Strange Bedfellows: How I identify with the (tv) serial killer, Dexter

Dexter is a Showtime tv show that has recently come to an end.  I always enjoyed it, but I never really thought about why.  The thing is, it was a tv show about a man who is driven to kill horrible people.  A sort of vigilante-serial killer if you will.

I was thinking about Dexter this morning, I had just heard a description of the tv character, “Dexter says that he has no feelings. He has learned to fake feelings in order to make it through life with people thinking he’s normal.”  And I thought to myself – man I REALLY identify with that.

Not that I think I have no feelings – just that I pretty much developed my empathy and kindness pretty late in life, and so I was very conscious of faking those emotions repeatedly until they became real for me.  Wow, that’s dark when written out that way.  (insecurities just kicked in, fyi)

Now, I am not a serial killer (always the right answer!) – but I really do identify a lot with this character.  Like Dexter I love understanding the rules.

Not because I’m going to always follow them.  I want to know what the reasoning is behind the rules – why are these rules here?  Do they help me?  Do they help others?  Then I want to know what the consequences are of breaking the rules.  Then I decide what to do, based on that information.

In a lot of ways, I feel like understanding rules and laws helps me to interact when I’m not sure what behavior is “normal” – I make a judgement call pretty much every day of whether or not I want to attempt to be more normal than I am.  And I know, the more I pretend, the more real it becomes for me.

So I’ve decided not to pretend fear or submission or nervousness where I don’t feel them.  Eventually, I believe they would become real emotions.  I often don’t fit in within my colleagues and friends in times of great change and stress because I don’t pretend to feel what they are feeling.  And I’m ok with the consequences in this case – it’s ok that I will be seen as cold or self serving.  It’s ok that people may choose not to confide in me.  I think those consequences are preferable to not thinking clearly.

But I have pretty much given up thinking clearly when it comes to stories of veterans, children, puppies, selflessness.  I have “practiced” my empathy and what I think of as being “soft” until it is who I am, through and through.

And THAT is pretty amazing to me, and part of why I’m writing this.  I have sort of trained myself to be a GOOD, warm compassionate person.  And then I really became one.  I genuinely cry now when I hear stories that are moving… it’s unbelievable to me that my emotional reaction is so changed.

One advantage of this process I’ve gone through to become a nicer, kinder me is that – I’m able to put a halt to incredibly strong emotions when I see the value in it.  If someone upsets me or makes me angry, if an advertisement tugs at my emotions and makes me want to buy new car tires or life insurance… I recognize that I’m thinking with my emotions and not my head.  It’s not too hard for me to put a halt to being ruled by emotions when it is necessary.

I’m so grateful that I’ve turned into the person I am – I genuinely like myself.  This is pretty awesome, because I spend a lot of time with myself.  And when I didn’t like myself as much, it was pretty exhausting to be around me all the time.  Now I walk around feeling so proud of myself that I’ve probably swung too far the other way.

I wonder all the time if other people came by their emotional reactions ‘naturally’ or if they actually had to consciously learn them like I did with some of mine.  I wonder if I’m more ordinary than I know… and for once I’d actually be a little relieved to hear it.

Whew – what an emotional outpouring – look at me!  Capable of sharing emotions!  woo hoo!!!

Artificially Intelligent: My dream house-relationship

I read an article today about two different companies that make products you can buy, plug into the wall, and then you can use your laptop or phone to control what happens in your house using one system (mainly entertainment systems, some kitchen device automation, lighting and heating).  The two products are called Staples Connect and SmartThings.  The article in general thought SmartThings does a better job so far, but pointed out a lot of things wrong with both products.

This bit of writing is not at all about either of those products.  I don’t care about THAT.  That is now, and I’m a child of science fiction – I want so much more!

This article started me daydreaming about the future.  The wildly audacious future like in Sleeper, Blade Runner, I Robot, Jetsons, Total Recall, Minority Report.  My home fantasies shouldn’t be limited by reality – I dream of the day when my relationship with my home is as important and part of me as my relationship with my laptop or my daughter…

And man do I have dreams!

Cooking that’s a breeze:

– I want to go to Pinterest, or my favorite cooking blog, and see a compilation of the recipes I have flagged to cook soon, and I want a flashing indicator that tells me Red/Yellow/Green – Red meaning I need a lot of ingredients and green meaning I have everything I need at home.

– I want my fridge and cupboards to tell me when I’m running low on something.

– Now I can push a button and my grocery list is created out of those two or any combination of sources. I can adjust the list, press order and know that a delivery will be made soon or maybe I can pick my order up on my way home from the local Safeway Kiosk.

-When I’ve selected my recipe for dinner, my stove will ping me in my car about 20 minutes before I get home from my 40 minute commute… because it’s been tracking me.  It will ask me if I’d like the oven preheated to 350 degrees.  I can tell it no, I’d like it preheated 20 minutes before my husband gets home.

-Of course while I’m cooking, my console will helpfully chime in if I’ve skipped a step or done something not per instructions.  If I like it better how I’m doing it, I can tell my console to remember this new way of doing the recipe for me for next time.  My console will probably ask me if I’d like to communicate this new method to anyone else – and I’ll say “maybe later”.

– When the oven starts preheating it will let me know, and ask if I’d like the fireplace in the dining room lit.  I’ll say, not tonight.  Please light the outside gas heater, we will be eating outside.

Security that doesn’t feel confining:

-I want to have a security system without ever knowing it’s there.  I shouldn’t have to set it, it shouldn’t chime when I open a window, and I certainly shouldn’t accidentally set it off in the morning because I forget and open my garage door.  I want my security system to be programmed to recognize every person in the family, and if we open a door or window, that’s ok.  If we’re home, it should be in “home” mode, and if we’re gone, it should be in “away” mode without us having to explicitly do anything.  If someone else opens a door or window when we are home, it should tell us, and ask us to set a preference for that person to be approved to do that action one time, for a defined time period, or indefinitely (like a gardener opening a gate).  I want my security system to have random lighting protocols that are optimized for conserving energy while making it look like there is someone in the house, occasionally turning on a light for something.

A house that welcomes me: 

-I want my house to know that on a workday (NOT just a weekday… I want my home to know if I’ve taken a day off.. it’s different) I would like a dirty chai ready, soft music playing, and be ready to tell me my schedule when I’m ready for it.  I want my house to know I won’t take a phone call before 8, and I won’t share video with anyone else before 10.

– This dream house will turn on lights in anticipation of where I’m headed, ensure I always am at a comfortable temperature, and will hold off on dishes, washing machines and vacuuming when I’m home.

-My front door will always open for me – just assuming I have my hands full, and when it does that, it will also tell me if I have mail and if there are any bills or letters… or is it all junk mail.

-If I have things I only do when I’m home alone, like exercising or mopping floors – my house will warn me with a ten minute warning when my daughter or husband are almost home.

A house that takes care of itself:

-My house should know when it needs air vents cleaned, has termites, the lawn needs aerated, or there’s a leak in the plumbing – and it should give me options for contractors and pricing in the area.

A house that takes care of us:

-My house should be on the alert for poor sleep patterns, frequent sneezing, loss of appetite, excessive hair loss and several other key illness indicators that it should be more than capable of tracking for me.  It should be able to detect an illness before I can – and potentially even let me know it checked with my physician, and she wants to see me, could I please select from these times that my house believes might work for me?

So… SmartThings… when can I expect my REALLY connected home?!?

Masochism: How much I love giving something up for Lent

Let me start off by saying, this is not going to be a religion or faith post. There’s an obvious relationship there, and if you have questions or comments about religion, that’s not something I really push out into the interwebs.

Here’s what I love about Lent (and the point of this post) – giving something up that I really really don’t want to. No, I’m not a masochist, most of the time.

I do, however, believe in making changes that are real and manageable. For me New Years resolutions rarely work. First of all, I often pick something vague like “I’m going to be nicer” or something way too aggressive like “I’m going to work out every day”.

There is a big difference in giving something up for Lent, and a subtle difference.

The Big Difference – Hello.  The amount of time.  Somehow, trying to last a year means I last a week.  But trying to make it 40 days so far has ALWAYS resulted in me making it 40 days.  It’s just easier to grit your teeth and MAKE it when you’re talking about less than 6 weeks.

          Versus        

Subtle Difference– New years is too wide open and vague for me.  It can be selfish, “I will get a better paying job/raise/boyfriend”.  It can be bad for you, “I’m going to break into the porn industry / start a car theft ring / go for the guy I like even though he’s married”.  Usually your new years resolution is very similar to what you would give up for Lent, but my point is that with Lent it’s a little easier to pinpoint – think of something you KNOW you do that is bad for you but you cling to it nonetheless.  There you go, that’s it.  That’s what you should give up (and remember, ONLY for 40 days… you can do it!)

In years past I have given up (in individual years, not all at once): swearing, caffeine, alcohol and workout sloth (meaning I have to workout on the weekends).   This year I’m giving up my mental mush – tv and reading fiction.  I’ve known for a long time that I lazily retreat into a book or a tv show when I should be… working on a project at home, connecting with someone I care about, thinking about ideas, writing, sitting outside and just being at peace in the night air.

This is my 40 days to connect with those things – to give myself a bit of a better me and see if it’s something I can and would maintain.  Every Lent I get really excited, the way I am today.

I’m in the middle of Command Authority by Tom Clancy, and I’m super addicted to this season of Walking Dead – so I will put them on hold, put them aside.  I have less than 6 weeks to see if I can make better use of myself than other people’s Russian dilemmas and zombies…

But I am recording the Walking Dead episodes, and I guarantee that Easter will be a day of Zombie gorging for me!

Dealing with It: How I stay a blissfully happy pessimist

Anyone who knows me will tell you, and they will be absolutely correct, that I am one of the most upbeat people they know.  I am quick to smile, quick to look at the bright side and quick to recover from something bad.

And let’s be clear, I’m talking about ALL kinds of bad.  From – “hey I have gained 20 pounds” to “I really can’t afford this car issue and I am desperately supposed to be somewhere” to “Oh, I’m homeless and pregnant and have one set of clothes”.

Every once in a while I ponder, why?  Why am I so consistently the happiest person in the room?  I have my theory – and if it helps you I’m glad.  There are three things I believe keep this smile on my face.

1.I’ve been through it all.  I know bad news.  I know bad times.  I know broke, I know so broke you have to steal to eat.  I know things that happen that crush your family and break it into horrible, broken, angry bits.  So… really what I know is that I have already been through the worst and have already survived.  It’s crazy how freeing it is to think, “Yes I love our life and our stuff and my job and this calm time… but I know what the rest is like too and I know I will be ok.. even better I know that we always recover, every time.”

2. Stubbornness. Nineteen years ago, during one of those really hard times, I was looking forward at the wreckage I had made of my future and at the many hard times to come, and I actually promised myself (and yes, I was this melodramatic) “I want more than this.  I will crawl on my bare hands and knees up stairs with broken glass if I have to, but I WILL make my life more than this.”  Wow – really?  broken glass?  I know – even I roll my eyes at this promise that I made myself.

But here’s the thing.  I kept this promise to myself.  And I keep it every time things get hard.  And I’ve learned, over the years and years and years it took to get to a life of peace and calm and meaning and opportunity – that I will never stop.  I will always get back up.  I will always keep moving forward.

Because I’m too stubborn not to.  And sometimes that is ALL I have – but it sure has always been enough.

3. Honesty. A lot of the worst times in my life have been self inflicted.  I have to see that, know myself.  This means, cut through your own drama.  Refuse to let nasty mean things out of your mouth.  Be willing to cut off relationships that aren’t good for you.  Refuse to be hard on yourself when things are hard enough.  Accept where you are, don’t deny it… just be honest with yourself about who you are and where you are, what you did to get there – and then move on, knowing it may take a long long time to get where you want to be, but it’s better than where you are.

This may not be helpful for you – I hope it is.  But as a pessimist, I have low expectations.  Which is the final weird twist.  I’m continually overwhelmingly more overjoyed than is called for when bad things DON’T HAPPEN.  Who knew????

Married but Alone: the best of both worlds

My husband travels a lot.  This is not a surprise or a shock to me; we dated for four years and were friends for four years before that… I have known for a long time that this man travels a lot.

So here I am, looking at the calendar for the next month and realizing my husband will be gone more than he will be home this next month.  And… I LOVE IT!!!

Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband.  He is my favorite person in the world, and I really can’t think of any times when I’ve ever been sick of him or “needed space”.

So why am I stoked that he’s going to be gone?  I could tell you it is a lot of things.  I could say I like the me-time.  I could say I’m a very independent, confident person.  I could tell you I have a very busy life and a little bit of down time is nice.  I could say I get excited thinking about all the miles he’s racking up.  I could tell you I like the extra privacy (I recently had the epiphany that I haven’t EVER had my own private space.  Ever.  In my life. – CRAZY)

None of those are lies… but that’s not it.

I like missing him.

I consider this a “chick” thing, but I have no idea if that’s true.  In my head it’s very similar to when I was single and I would sit at home alone in the dark with a candle or two and sad music, drinking wine and crying.  I also loved that.  It was awesome, seriously.  For me joy and happiness always have a bittersweet tinge.  I don’t claim that this is a normal thing… just normal for me.

So I don’t sit at home in the dark crying anymore (and really, it’s kind of a shame).  But I get a chance to wish he was here when he’s not.  I get a chance to savor things that I want to tell him about, to think about how I’ll greet him when I see him.  I get to miss him.  It’s nice… I like it.

I have a husband who travels a lot, and that is pretty awesome.

Parenting 101: You are going to Fail

Let me start out by saying, all of my expertise comes from common sense, observation, and one seventeen and a half year old “mostly baked” child.  In other words, this is purely my opinion.  We all have them, and I’m not claiming that mine has to be right.

It’s just that I really, really believe I’m right… that’s all.

So my take is this: there are two main goals in parenting.  The first is to give your child all the love and safety and warmth of childhood that we all know children should have.  The second is to raise your child into an adult human being, capable of traversing all the falls, fails and pitfalls of life and coming out the other side having made the world that much better because they were in this world.

The two goals really don’t work well together.

So let’s admit,  for our society… the concept of being warm and loving and affectionate to kids is a fairly new one.  It’s only a hundred years ago that we were figuring out that children were LITTLE PEOPLE (I still have my own theory on that) and had actual RIGHTS.

So then here we are today, where if you admit that you let your middle schooler be at home in the afternoon by themselves, or talk about your kid needing to toughen up – you are de facto a horrible bad no good terrible person.  I constantly hear parents talk about how kids can’t do anything that might possibly hurt, or scare, or be unfair to them.. because the parent would worry or loves them too much to allow it.

So great, we went from ignoring the softer side of parenting to ignoring the end goal of parenting.  You’re trying to launch your children into being functional adults, people.

I really do believe that it is dangerous for your child(ren), for our country, and for the future – to make your child’s life too safe, too fair, fulfilling and validating and happy.  Because here is the thing.  We need adults in our society with hunger, with grit, with drive and determination, who will laugh (maybe bitterly, but they will laugh) when life knocks them down and then get right back up and keep going, more determined then EVER.  And I just don’t think those are things that are discovered as adults.  I think these are life lessons and inner qualities that we have to find as kids… or else we kind of pass the threshold of development and they never really materialize.

And by the way, I have totally failed on both sides of the coin.  Well… maybe not “totally”.  But definitely I have failed.  For sure.  I mean, the jury isn’t technically in until she’s, I don’t know, 30 or so… but I see every little failure.  And they add up, big time.  I have failed to comfort, to reassure, to be there, to push, to let her fail, to not let her quit.  I have failed and failed and failed.

Every parent does.  There is no way to be perfect.

I just keep the two goals in mind, and keep trying to strive for balance, and think about my daughter and where she is right now, and which it seems like she needs more in which situations… and the ultimate goal of trying to achieve the balance.  I keep trying and striving.

Which really, is all I’m asking her to do as well…

 

Firsts: a family cruise

Our little family has recently grown by a third… I was married in November and now there are three where for so long there have been just us two.  Though I have to admit my daughter and I have thought of Jeremy as family for quite a while…. I knew him for four years and then we dated for four years, so we’re about as sure as you can get without psychic powers… but there is even more change coming soon.

My daughter, Asia, is 17.  This year she will graduate high school and go on to college.  I can barely believe it, but it’s true.  For years we had talked about her graduation present being a trip to Vietnam, to explore the Asian heritage that I really have been unable to explain to her outside of Pho soup… but she admitted to me recently that she doesn’t think she would really have fun on an “educational” trip.

So, back to the drawing board.  I mocked up three itineraries hand picked for her interests.  A trip to Hawaii.  My new mother in law has a timeshare there, so if we were to use that, we would have quite a budget to put to doing whatever we wanted.  Second, a cruise.  Specifically a Royal Caribbean cruise, with it’s teen specific areas and excursions, she would have a chance to interract with people in her age range.  Third, a dude ranch.  Asia has been wild about horses since she was old enough to talk, and here she would spend almost a full week immersed in horses.

Given the three choices, my daughter exclaimed at what a great job I’d done, and what a tough decision she had in front of her.  However, she ended up picking the cruise.

I have discovered several things about cruises in the past couple of weeks, and I’m sure I will discover more as we prepare for this adventure (we’re going in June).

1) Cruises are expensive.  We’re not bargain hunting, so I’m sure I’m getting the full brunt of the prices with my requirements for specific ships and the ever popular summer timeframe… but for the cruise alone, we’re looking to spend several thousand dollars.  And that’s not counting cross country airfare, and at least two days (the day before and the day before we fly home) of hotel stay.  And I’ve created a spreadsheet going through every single website, and contacted several travel agents.  The price is the price is the price.

2) Cruises have hidden costs.  I am a newbie, ok?  I was really pretty shocked to figure out, it’s going to cost extra to go ashore when the ship stops at different stops.  I still haven’t figured out how MUCH extra.  And it will cost extra to drink anything other than plain coffee, water & juice.  There’s even a soda package (we don’t really drink).  And, even though the cruise is all inclusive, it’s kind of like going to an amusement park.  All inclusive doesn’t *actually* include everything.  Some of the on-board restaurants are for a fee… several of the on-board activities are for a fee… and any spa or gambling activities are, you guessed it, going to cost extra.

3) Cruises are super easy.  I expect to really, not have to think or plan or DO anything once I’ve got this initial research out of the way.  I’m going to eat and play and enjoy myself on this upcoming trip, and not have to spend every morning mapping out an itinerary.

All in all, this is just the beginning of the adventure… and I’m looking forward to the rest!

In my research, I’ve found the following articles & pages the most helpful.

General:

www.cruisecritic.com – this website will help you find the cruise you are looking for, the best deals, rate different ships and different cruiselines.  I definitely would spend a bit of time here if you are as new as I am to cruising.

www.cruiselinefans.com – a forum for cruise fans… a great place to get the skinny on… everything cruise

Looking for a Deal:

www.cruisecompete.com – this didn’t end up helping me, but I’ve read a lot of rave reviews.  You can essentially place a very specific “ad” for what you are looking for, and multiple travel agents will come back to you with quotes.

www.cruises.com – As I said, all the websites are VERY similar in price and “extras” – but this is the one that ultimately had the best deal for our very specific needs.

www.nbcnews.com – There are several articles like this one – but I thought they had some specific and good tips in this one that I didn’t see in the many, many many others I read.

I’ve also read good things about www.cruisedeals.com , www.cruiseonly.com and www.cruisecheap.com

Good luck!